There is so much we can look at around the life of David … so many life lessons found within the pages of scripture. But what I would like to focus on in this Key is forgiveness, taking example from the story of Tamar being raped by her brother, a son of David ~ 2 Samuel 13. We may want to take a moment here to re-read the story first to refresh our memory of all that surrounds it.
In verse 20, when Absalom realises what happened to his sister by the hand of his brother, Amnon, he simply tells her “For the present, sister, keep quiet about it; he is your brother.” Have you ever pondered over that statement to his sister? She has just been violated in the most horrendous way and is basically told to keep quiet, walk away and let it go … can we imagine how she must have felt in that moment? I find it interesting that Tamar is never to be seen again in scripture … at least not that I am aware of … other than we are told she “remained in her brother Absalom’s house forlorn” [JPS Tanakh]. Other versions use the word desolate.
Shame can cause us to run away and hide ourselves in a whole variety of ways; and it is nothing new ... after all, isn't that exactly what Adam and Eve did back in the garden. But the thing is, the shame that Tamar carried away with her was not her own, but her brother's. Tamar even pleads with Amnon as he was sending her away … saying, "Please don't commit this wrong; to send me away would be even worse than the first wrong you committed against me." And do we ever think about Amnon's so-called "love" for Tamar? One minute the scriptures tell us that he was infatuated with her to the point of sickness … and the next moment he hated her. In fact the scriptures tell us he "felt a very great loathing for her; indeed, his loathing for her was greater than the passion he had felt for her" 2 Samuel 13:15. But what I am left wondering is this: Was it actually his own self-hatred that he projected onto Tamar in that moment? In that time and space, upon realising what he had done, was it easier to send her away than to face the consequences of what he had done? Only G-D knows another person's heart and we cannot judge, but I wonder if for Amnon, if Tamar were to remain would it be a constant reminder of his own sin? What are your thoughts? I have wondered if , in effect, Tamar would become like a mirror to him; every time he looked at her, he would in fact see his own heart staring right back at him. Sometimes it can be easy, in a sense, to dismiss the issues in our own lives instead of confronting the pain that lie within our own hearts. Just as Amnon dismissed Tamar, we also can dismiss things and push others away when things go wrong because it may be reflecting something back to us within our own hearts that we don't want to see or face. With G-D's help, we can face these things head on if we are willing to allow Him to show us our own hearts, instead of running away from them ...
In verse 20, when Absalom realises what happened to his sister by the hand of his brother, Amnon, he simply tells her “For the present, sister, keep quiet about it; he is your brother.” Have you ever pondered over that statement to his sister? She has just been violated in the most horrendous way and is basically told to keep quiet, walk away and let it go … can we imagine how she must have felt in that moment? I find it interesting that Tamar is never to be seen again in scripture … at least not that I am aware of … other than we are told she “remained in her brother Absalom’s house forlorn” [JPS Tanakh]. Other versions use the word desolate.
Shame can cause us to run away and hide ourselves in a whole variety of ways; and it is nothing new ... after all, isn't that exactly what Adam and Eve did back in the garden. But the thing is, the shame that Tamar carried away with her was not her own, but her brother's. Tamar even pleads with Amnon as he was sending her away … saying, "Please don't commit this wrong; to send me away would be even worse than the first wrong you committed against me." And do we ever think about Amnon's so-called "love" for Tamar? One minute the scriptures tell us that he was infatuated with her to the point of sickness … and the next moment he hated her. In fact the scriptures tell us he "felt a very great loathing for her; indeed, his loathing for her was greater than the passion he had felt for her" 2 Samuel 13:15. But what I am left wondering is this: Was it actually his own self-hatred that he projected onto Tamar in that moment? In that time and space, upon realising what he had done, was it easier to send her away than to face the consequences of what he had done? Only G-D knows another person's heart and we cannot judge, but I wonder if for Amnon, if Tamar were to remain would it be a constant reminder of his own sin? What are your thoughts? I have wondered if , in effect, Tamar would become like a mirror to him; every time he looked at her, he would in fact see his own heart staring right back at him. Sometimes it can be easy, in a sense, to dismiss the issues in our own lives instead of confronting the pain that lie within our own hearts. Just as Amnon dismissed Tamar, we also can dismiss things and push others away when things go wrong because it may be reflecting something back to us within our own hearts that we don't want to see or face. With G-D's help, we can face these things head on if we are willing to allow Him to show us our own hearts, instead of running away from them ...
David cried, "Search me O G-D and know my heart ..." Psalm 139
And do we realise ... the thing about running away is this ...
If we are actually running away from the issues that lie within, those very same things will follow us no matter where we run ... because we can't run away from ourselves forever!
So let us turn our attention to Absalom, the other son of David and look at the issue of forgiveness:
We are told in 1 John 3:15 “Anyone who hates a brother or sister is a murderer, and you know that no murderer has eternal life residing in him.” So … where does hatred begin? Does it not begin in our hearts with unforgiveness? And if we are not careful, that can then turn to bitterness, even hatred. So often the root cause is pain from old wounds that have remained unexposed, undealt with and unhealed. It might be helpful to understand that we can hate what has been done to us that has hurt us, and we can hate another’s behaviour, but to hate that person himself can potentially lead to murder in our own hearts ... which can actually lead to our very own death. Now some may say, “isn’t that a bit drastic!” But let us look at what Yeshua Himself tells us:
“But I tell you that anyone who looks at a woman lustfully has already committed adultery with her in his heart.” Matthew 5:28
Is this not in fact where Amnon's sin began? The scriptures tell us that he became infatuated with his sister, Tamar ... that infatuation became a love-sickness in his heart until he eventually acted upon it with the help of another. If we do not recognise sin in our own hearts and we allow it to grow and fester within, we can in fact become in danger of acting upon that sin. I don't know what you think, but that is a very sobering thought.
Which brings us to Absalom and his slow progression from pain to murder:
And we all can see how the story ends. The key here in verse 23 with hindsight is that in the two years that went past for Absalom, he never dealt with the issues in his own heart concerning his brother or his father. And because of this there was a slow progression from pain, to anger, to bitterness, to hatred to eventually murder.
Pain does not excuse our behaviour nor does it release us from the fact that we need to forgive, but it does help us to understand and to have compassion on others when we look on them and see their pain. With G-D’s help, if we are willing to take His hand and follow where He leads, the source of pain can be revealed, we can ask Him to help us forgive those who have hurt us and release them into His care. As we let them go, we also find greater forgiveness for ourselves, greater peace and freedom to become all He has created us to be. One of the most sobering thoughts for us as believers is that “unless we forgive, we cannot be forgiven” … and this is often a journey where we have to keep forgiving … 70 x 7 as Yeshua says. Not one of us are perfect in this walk and yet our hearts can be made perfect in the way that we desire to walk with humility before our G-D, in loving obedience to His instruction while keeping short accounts with Him and with others.
THE IMPORTANCE OF COMMUNICATION:
As we look at this story, do we ever wonder how differently it could have ended … if only David had communicated differently. Isn’t it incredible to think that David is this amazing leader and commander of armies and yet, where those who were closest to him were concerned, it seems he struggled to speak out and give instruction or correction at a time it was most needed. What about us? I am sure we can, each and every one of us, relate to this at some time or another. It is often those to whom we are closest - even our family - that seem to affect our emotions the greatest and cause us to behave differently than with those we are not. Maybe because it is those relationships we care about the most that can affect us most deeply. Can we think of times where we could have communicated in a situation better than what we managed to do. Perhaps we didn’t speak out at a crucial time that something wasn’t right or someone hurt us; or perhaps we were caught off-guard by a situation that pushed us into a place of having to justify ourselves. Whatever the case may be, I believe communication is a key factor in every relationship; there is a time to remain silent and there is a time to speak out, but it is important that we know what the L-RD is saying to do and how. In this case with the rape of Tamar, silence was a killer ... but in another time and place, silence could be the order of the day so to speak.
We are told in 1 John 3:15 “Anyone who hates a brother or sister is a murderer, and you know that no murderer has eternal life residing in him.” So … where does hatred begin? Does it not begin in our hearts with unforgiveness? And if we are not careful, that can then turn to bitterness, even hatred. So often the root cause is pain from old wounds that have remained unexposed, undealt with and unhealed. It might be helpful to understand that we can hate what has been done to us that has hurt us, and we can hate another’s behaviour, but to hate that person himself can potentially lead to murder in our own hearts ... which can actually lead to our very own death. Now some may say, “isn’t that a bit drastic!” But let us look at what Yeshua Himself tells us:
“But I tell you that anyone who looks at a woman lustfully has already committed adultery with her in his heart.” Matthew 5:28
Is this not in fact where Amnon's sin began? The scriptures tell us that he became infatuated with his sister, Tamar ... that infatuation became a love-sickness in his heart until he eventually acted upon it with the help of another. If we do not recognise sin in our own hearts and we allow it to grow and fester within, we can in fact become in danger of acting upon that sin. I don't know what you think, but that is a very sobering thought.
Which brings us to Absalom and his slow progression from pain to murder:
- Absalom appears to already be thinking of taking matters into his own hands when he tells Tamar, “for the present, keep quiet about it.” I wonder if what he was whispering in his heart was more like “don’t worry, I will handle this!” Again, we cannot know - only Hashem - but it does make me wonder. He goes on to further say, "he is your brother; don't brood over the matter." I find this statement quite incredible as I never really thought about it too much before; but as we read on, we can almost come to the conclusion that the very advice Absalom was giving to Tamar was something he was not able to swallow himself. As we read on, do we not come to realise that Absalom was almost taking on false responsibility for his sister and in fact brooded over the matter for two years ... without speaking a word.
- In verse 21 we read that when David heard about all that happened, “he was greatly upset.” I don’t know about you, but I want to go “WHAT!!!!” IS THAT IT!?” HIS DAUGHTER HAS JUST BEEN RAPED AND HE IS GREATLY UPSET?!!!!” Again, I don’t know about you, but what my heart wants to cry is “DAVID!! WHY DID YOU NOT CONFRONT THIS ISSUE AND DEAL WITH IT?! YOU ARE THE KING OF ISRAEL ... BUT PLEASE "BE KING" FIRST OF YOUR OWN HOUSEHOLD by doing the right thing!" The scriptures don’t tell us exactly, but it does not appear that David did anything more, but simply remained silent. And by saying nothing instead of dealing with the issue at hand at the time it occurred, it lead to a chain of events that I wonder could have been avoided. And how did this make Absalom feel? Who was he really angry with … Amnon or his own father, David? Maybe even both? I don’t know … just thinking out loud, but what do you think?
- In verse 22 we read that “Absalom didn’t utter a word to Amnon, good or bad; but Absalom hated Amnon because he had violated his sister Tamar.” I believe that Amnon was angry for the right reason, but it was the way he dealt with his anger that created a further problem. There is a time to speak and there is a time to be silent, but in this case silence became a killer as Absalom responded in the very same way as he watched his father respond ... the behaviour of David who stayed silent at a time that was most crucial to speak up lead his son to model himself after his father in a way that became detrimental to the entire family.
- In verse 23, we begin reading “Two years later …” which, if we didn’t have the privilege of knowing the rest of the story, we might be lead to think that all was well when Absalom began asking for his brother to join him with the others. It would be easy for us to wonder ... maybe he was wanting to reconcile? Maybe he would talk to him? Maybe maybe maybe … but the true intention of Absalom’s heart was revealed as we begin reading from verse 28 …
And we all can see how the story ends. The key here in verse 23 with hindsight is that in the two years that went past for Absalom, he never dealt with the issues in his own heart concerning his brother or his father. And because of this there was a slow progression from pain, to anger, to bitterness, to hatred to eventually murder.
Pain does not excuse our behaviour nor does it release us from the fact that we need to forgive, but it does help us to understand and to have compassion on others when we look on them and see their pain. With G-D’s help, if we are willing to take His hand and follow where He leads, the source of pain can be revealed, we can ask Him to help us forgive those who have hurt us and release them into His care. As we let them go, we also find greater forgiveness for ourselves, greater peace and freedom to become all He has created us to be. One of the most sobering thoughts for us as believers is that “unless we forgive, we cannot be forgiven” … and this is often a journey where we have to keep forgiving … 70 x 7 as Yeshua says. Not one of us are perfect in this walk and yet our hearts can be made perfect in the way that we desire to walk with humility before our G-D, in loving obedience to His instruction while keeping short accounts with Him and with others.
THE IMPORTANCE OF COMMUNICATION:
As we look at this story, do we ever wonder how differently it could have ended … if only David had communicated differently. Isn’t it incredible to think that David is this amazing leader and commander of armies and yet, where those who were closest to him were concerned, it seems he struggled to speak out and give instruction or correction at a time it was most needed. What about us? I am sure we can, each and every one of us, relate to this at some time or another. It is often those to whom we are closest - even our family - that seem to affect our emotions the greatest and cause us to behave differently than with those we are not. Maybe because it is those relationships we care about the most that can affect us most deeply. Can we think of times where we could have communicated in a situation better than what we managed to do. Perhaps we didn’t speak out at a crucial time that something wasn’t right or someone hurt us; or perhaps we were caught off-guard by a situation that pushed us into a place of having to justify ourselves. Whatever the case may be, I believe communication is a key factor in every relationship; there is a time to remain silent and there is a time to speak out, but it is important that we know what the L-RD is saying to do and how. In this case with the rape of Tamar, silence was a killer ... but in another time and place, silence could be the order of the day so to speak.
A word fitly spoken is like apples of gold in settings of silver Proverbs 25:11
Forgiveness is not saying, "what others did that hurt us is ok"
Forgiveness is not saying, "what others did that caused us hurt doesn't matter"
Forgiveness is not undermining someone's pain or hurt and brushing it under the carpet
Forgiveness does not always necessarily mean we are reunited with those who have hurt us
Forgiveness is something we express toward others, even if it is never extended toward us
Forgiveness is about addressing the pain of where others have hurt us and taking it
to our Father in heaven, choosing to forgive even in the midst of the pain even when it feels impossible.
Forgiveness is often a journey ... FREEDOM is found on the other side of it ... for all who choose it;
for unless we forgive others from our heart, our Father cannot forgive us ...
and the hardest one to forgive can sometimes be ourselves ...
